This is something very much needed. I am/was just WAY to stressed. About school with all the homework. I have my art project and i have my business worksheets and i have my engineering work. And there is my job. I Hate my job. My boss has no motivation and makes us feel of low worth. I have to work terrible hours including overnight shifts. I need my sleep! Last night i could not sleep till 4 in the morning or later! my mind was turning over everything i have to do. I was so scarred that day K came home and caught my at my darlings place. Oh i love her. i hate not being able to be with her and call her and tell her how i feel. I just want to reach out to her but i cant! IT HURTS INSIDE!!! i feel i have hurt her with some of the poor decisions i have made these past few months. I have been doing better but just as i think i am getting there BAM! :'-(
So i am taking today off. I am staying home. Working on my self portrait and watching TV. I blew off work this morning too... :-/ I hadn't had any sleep. If i fell asleep at work i would have been fired. I would get sick from lack of sleep(as i do sometimes/ and as i was a little this morning) and have to spend too much time in the bathroom. being of NO help during the busiest shift of the day. So i got written up. but at least i'm not fired or sick(anymore). GAH this day. I just want to start over! i just want to cry but no one is here with a shoulder to cry on... :-( i just dont know what to do... my head hurts... my heart hurts... Oh my darling where are you? i really need you right now :'-( Oh well. that's my update.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Bad Day
I NEED to find a stress reliever. My body will start doing it for me if i don't... like last night.... I had a really rather x rated dream and my body reacted to it and made a mess in my bed... It was unintentional but it set my mind a spinning. i got bored and went onto a site that Jacob showed me called StumbleUpon. Most of the stuff that showed up was just funny or interesting. but occasionally some more explicit material would show up. I didn't do anything to stop it... and my body started to react... :-( i feel terrible. one of said sites came up just as someone was coming home and in the rush of the images and the slow loading time to change the page and the trill of trying not to get caught all compounded on me and exploded in a release i couldn't stop. i am so sorry. This is a lot like that other "one stupid day" i told about i think in a previous post. all i can do is beg forgiveness. and hope that the love of those i speak with will be greater than their disappointment. Before all this i wanted to reach out to my honey bee but she was in class and i couldn't communicate with here in anyway. Here i tell the world that i am sorry. I am so sorry.... :'(
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
OK so I miss her.
Why is this so hard. To decide upon a course of action and stick through to the end. I have done it before many times. I suppose the other times i didn't feel like ripping my heart out just so the pain would stop. Work makes it easier. I have so much there to focus on that the thought of her stays in the back of my mind. It comes forward at times and i feel like rolling over and giving up, but i power through. Isn't spring break a time to spend with those you love? It makes it harder having my sister and her love bird and my mom and hers all here in the same place with me not being able to be with mine even for a moment.
On Monday the family went bowling. I almost won the second game. I at least looked like a pro doing it hehe. One of those random talents i guess. So anyway, when i bowl i curve the ball and it looks sweet! However my fingers suffer. I had to work Tuesday morning and my fingers were so swollen that after my shower i couldn't get my ring back on. The FIRST thing i did after getting home was grabbing it and placing it safely on my finger. Though, today especially, it feels like it should go on my other hand. I was tapping the top of my car with my left hand while driving today and expected it to make a louder more metallic noise while doing so. Alas i still wear it on the right hand.
Last Friday i fell. I didn't tell honey bee because i didn't want to worry her on top of everything else. It was just one stupid day. It was the experience afterwards that i was dying to tell her. I tried last Sunday but she walked away. After i fell i went strait to my room and fell on my knees. I began to pray and i begged. I begged for my soul for my future and for forgiveness. My mind was in a whirl, my heart-- a knot. And as i pleaded with HF and with the tears hitting my bed and floor, my nose running, in all of the pulsing chaos, there was peace. It was a peace the sunk deep into my heart. i felt and heard it beating. in fact that was all i could hear and for a moment all i could feel. Then the corners of my mouth raised into a smile. I had prayed before, on several occasions to know God the Eternal Father. To know of his love and his power and the truth of answered prayers. and it was in that moment. That time of complete peace that i knew. And i still know. He lives and He cares for me and all of us. I could no sooner deny it than i could deny my own being. I will treasure this moment forever and never forget it.
So just some random bits of my life:
my family bought the "clear play" DVD player. With it you download the editing file for a movie onto a flash drive that you then pop into the DVD player with the disc for the movie. The drive tells the player at what points to mute the audio or which sections to skip all together. And each little part has a rating so you can change the amount of editing. it is a bit choppy and has really strict editing rules and in my opinion was a waste of money. but watching movies gets me popcorn from the cool popper so i cant complain.
It is great having my brother in law and my sister here again. I have almost forgotten how fun they are. the only thing is that, with work, I find myself unable to have all the fun i could and i miss out on some really fun activities. Yesterday they went rock climbing. I was way jealous. I found my dragon necklace and that is WAY nice. the funny thing is i think i left my other necklace, the one from Chinese new year that has Love written on it in English and Chinese, at honey bee's house the last time i was there. hopefully K doesn't find it and find is suspicious. anyway that is all i have for now. Work is busy. Still need a new one.
PS if you were wondering where i was driving today (which i am sure you weren't) i was going to panda express to get some dinner. My fortune cookie said, "You will touch the hearts of many." Might sound a little familiar to a couple of us hmmm?
oh and every time i call Bro P. The line has been busy orrrr no one has picked up GAHH frustrating. Perhaps they went somewhere for spring break.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Super Major Rantings
Hello World. Ha ha little programing joke there. You see when you start programing a new language the first thing to learn to do is usually printing out text or anything. You introduce yourself to the programing world of that language. So this is me introducing myself to the blogging world of bloggers.
This is really hard for me, to express myself in words so free, leaving it out for the world to see. But i will do it. You will see. You of course, My Honey Bee.
he he that was a fun little rhyme. I forgot how much fun that stuff was. i have forgotten a great many things in my life. Luckily I tend to remember just as much. I just sometimes wish that the stuff i remember was the stuff i forgot and vice versa. this is because the stuff i remember is mostly negative things, or things that have to deal with the stuff I am working on. It haunts me at times. It wont let me close my eyes. Some days it leaves me alone and i can think of better things.
The past couple of weeks have been great. i did what i said and i never fell. Today is the hardest of all the past days. I almost fell this morning and I have been fighting the fall all day it has seemed. But i will fight it off. I will succeed.
Today is SO hard to be apart. That stuff that i did was to relieve stress. That is why today is hard. I don't know what i want to do with my life. not all the way. i don't know what career to have or even what major to go for. I don't know where i want to continue on to school. I want to do a great many things and learn all i can but i don't know where it all leads. I have been given a great life with an unbelievable destiny. I understand what Heavenly Father expects of me and a bit of what i am meant to do in a more spiritual sense. I want to know him more. I want to talk to him like a friend, or perhaps like a most trusted and loving parent. I want to know what it feels like to get an answer to my prayers. Whether it is a receiving of something i have asked for or an answer in my heart to a question i have. heck it could be just a gust of wind at just the right time. I just want to KNOW that He is there and listening and actually cares enough to do something about it. I mean i Believe that he is there and i Believe that i will get answered if i truly need and want the answer but i want to KNOW. I want to be able to stand up on fast Sunday and say i KNOW that Heavenly Father is there and listening and i KNOW that he cares enough to answer our prayers. Sometimes i feel so alone and when one is going through such a thing as this, alone is the last thing that he/she needs.
GAH!! I don't even know what i am typing i just hit the keyboard and started going. I really miss my honey bee so much! i just want to hug them and cry in their shoulder. Yeah i know i should use his/her but i don't care!!! I want to cry and be held by the one i love. I want to marry this person SO MUCH!! I want to be married so i can go home to them. i just want to lay down next to my honey bee tight in their arms and feel safe and not alone. Is there a word for that?
I want to tell my honey bee that i love her. (>50% percent of the population is female so i don't think that this little tid bit will compromise her safety) I want to tell her how much i need her right now. I think of her ALL THE TIME! i wonder how she is doing and if she is happy. I want to help here be happy always. I hope she is not sick. I know this isn't the most romantic way of saying things like this and i will work on that and be way sweet and romantic with more awesome posting of awesomeness but my head is swimming and my body all in a knot. Trying to hold in so much emotion is so hard! I want to tell my sweetheart about the ice-cream truck that came through work yesterday. how the other workers became instant children. I just feel so! ojk;asdfojasdokvoiwenfoajwefjawelfjfjsfsdafkljeoifajekljaidvajfaldkfjasadf. yeah kinda like that. but totally not.
I want to tell my darling all of this but i cannot because i said this morning that doing what K said is the best thing. I totally want to take that back. It was on facebook so perhaps i can delete it.... I want to cheat at this game that K has thrown us into. My mind is so full of words flying so fast i don't know how to get them down on the page. Good words that describe exactly how i feel. I just can't get them all the way to the front of my mind. i think i need to go run. i need to blow off some steam before someone gets hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone else. so many people have already been hurt by my acations. But many of them have forgiven me and i don't want that forgiveness to go to waste. blah blah blah i am just ranting. Here is a place where i can say anything and everything that comes to mind and today i am angry or dissapointed or sad or lonesly or stressed or tired or something but not incredibly feeling the love and the pease that i do in her arms. or in her smile or just the flip of her hair. the gate of her step. I am so clogged with emotion i cannot feel anything but perhaps a little sick. Its like being congested. Maybe i am just hungry i haven't eaten all day. that might cheer me up and i think that is what i will do.
This is really hard for me, to express myself in words so free, leaving it out for the world to see. But i will do it. You will see. You of course, My Honey Bee.
he he that was a fun little rhyme. I forgot how much fun that stuff was. i have forgotten a great many things in my life. Luckily I tend to remember just as much. I just sometimes wish that the stuff i remember was the stuff i forgot and vice versa. this is because the stuff i remember is mostly negative things, or things that have to deal with the stuff I am working on. It haunts me at times. It wont let me close my eyes. Some days it leaves me alone and i can think of better things.
The past couple of weeks have been great. i did what i said and i never fell. Today is the hardest of all the past days. I almost fell this morning and I have been fighting the fall all day it has seemed. But i will fight it off. I will succeed.
Today is SO hard to be apart. That stuff that i did was to relieve stress. That is why today is hard. I don't know what i want to do with my life. not all the way. i don't know what career to have or even what major to go for. I don't know where i want to continue on to school. I want to do a great many things and learn all i can but i don't know where it all leads. I have been given a great life with an unbelievable destiny. I understand what Heavenly Father expects of me and a bit of what i am meant to do in a more spiritual sense. I want to know him more. I want to talk to him like a friend, or perhaps like a most trusted and loving parent. I want to know what it feels like to get an answer to my prayers. Whether it is a receiving of something i have asked for or an answer in my heart to a question i have. heck it could be just a gust of wind at just the right time. I just want to KNOW that He is there and listening and actually cares enough to do something about it. I mean i Believe that he is there and i Believe that i will get answered if i truly need and want the answer but i want to KNOW. I want to be able to stand up on fast Sunday and say i KNOW that Heavenly Father is there and listening and i KNOW that he cares enough to answer our prayers. Sometimes i feel so alone and when one is going through such a thing as this, alone is the last thing that he/she needs.
GAH!! I don't even know what i am typing i just hit the keyboard and started going. I really miss my honey bee so much! i just want to hug them and cry in their shoulder. Yeah i know i should use his/her but i don't care!!! I want to cry and be held by the one i love. I want to marry this person SO MUCH!! I want to be married so i can go home to them. i just want to lay down next to my honey bee tight in their arms and feel safe and not alone. Is there a word for that?
I want to tell my honey bee that i love her. (>50% percent of the population is female so i don't think that this little tid bit will compromise her safety) I want to tell her how much i need her right now. I think of her ALL THE TIME! i wonder how she is doing and if she is happy. I want to help here be happy always. I hope she is not sick. I know this isn't the most romantic way of saying things like this and i will work on that and be way sweet and romantic with more awesome posting of awesomeness but my head is swimming and my body all in a knot. Trying to hold in so much emotion is so hard! I want to tell my sweetheart about the ice-cream truck that came through work yesterday. how the other workers became instant children. I just feel so! ojk;asdfojasdokvoiwenfoajwefjawelfjfjsfsdafkljeoifajekljaidvajfaldkfjasadf. yeah kinda like that. but totally not.
I want to tell my darling all of this but i cannot because i said this morning that doing what K said is the best thing. I totally want to take that back. It was on facebook so perhaps i can delete it.... I want to cheat at this game that K has thrown us into. My mind is so full of words flying so fast i don't know how to get them down on the page. Good words that describe exactly how i feel. I just can't get them all the way to the front of my mind. i think i need to go run. i need to blow off some steam before someone gets hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone else. so many people have already been hurt by my acations. But many of them have forgiven me and i don't want that forgiveness to go to waste. blah blah blah i am just ranting. Here is a place where i can say anything and everything that comes to mind and today i am angry or dissapointed or sad or lonesly or stressed or tired or something but not incredibly feeling the love and the pease that i do in her arms. or in her smile or just the flip of her hair. the gate of her step. I am so clogged with emotion i cannot feel anything but perhaps a little sick. Its like being congested. Maybe i am just hungry i haven't eaten all day. that might cheer me up and i think that is what i will do.
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