OK so I miss her.

Why is this so hard. To decide upon a course of action and stick through to the end. I have done it before many times. I suppose the other times i didn't feel like ripping my heart out just so the pain would stop. Work makes it easier. I have so much there to focus on that the thought of her stays in the back of my mind. It comes forward at times and i feel like rolling over and giving up, but i power through. Isn't spring break a time to spend with those you love? It makes it harder having my sister and her love bird and my mom and hers all here in the same place with me not being able to be with mine even for a moment.

On Monday the family went bowling. I almost won the second game. I at least looked like a pro doing it hehe. One of those random talents i guess. So anyway, when i bowl i curve the ball and it looks sweet! However my fingers suffer. I had to work Tuesday morning and my fingers were so swollen that after my shower i couldn't get my ring back on. The FIRST thing i did after getting home was grabbing it and placing it safely on my finger. Though, today especially, it feels like it should go on my other hand. I was tapping the top of my car with my left hand while driving today and expected it to make a louder more metallic noise while doing so. Alas i still wear it on the right hand. 

Last Friday i fell. I didn't tell honey bee because i didn't want to worry her on top of everything else. It was just one stupid day. It was the experience afterwards that i was dying to tell her. I tried last Sunday but she walked away. After i fell i went strait to my room and fell on my knees. I began to pray and i begged. I begged for my soul for my future and for forgiveness. My mind was in a whirl, my heart-- a knot. And as i pleaded with HF and with the tears hitting my bed and floor, my nose running, in all of the pulsing chaos, there was peace. It was a peace the sunk deep into my heart. i felt and heard it beating. in fact that was all i could hear and for a moment all i could feel. Then the corners of my mouth raised into a smile. I had prayed before, on several occasions to know God the Eternal Father. To know of his love and his power and the truth of answered prayers. and it was in that moment. That time of complete peace that i knew. And i still know. He lives and He cares for me and all of us. I could no sooner deny it than i could deny my own being. I will treasure this moment forever and never forget it.

So just some random bits of my life: 

my family bought the "clear play" DVD player. With it you download the editing file for a movie onto a flash drive that you then pop into the DVD player with the disc for the movie. The drive tells the player at what points to mute the audio or which sections to skip all together. And each little part has a rating so you can change the amount of editing. it is a bit choppy and has really strict editing rules and in my opinion was a waste of money. but watching movies gets me popcorn from the cool popper so i cant complain.

It is great having my brother in law and my sister here again. I have almost forgotten how fun they are. the only thing is that, with work, I find myself unable to have all the fun i could and i miss out on some really fun activities. Yesterday they went rock climbing. I was way jealous. I found my dragon necklace and that is WAY nice. the funny thing is i think i left my other necklace, the one from Chinese new year that has Love written on it in English and Chinese, at honey bee's house the last time i was there. hopefully K doesn't find it and find is suspicious. anyway that is all i have for now. Work is busy. Still need a new one.

PS if you were wondering where i was driving today (which i am sure you weren't) i was going to panda express to get some dinner. My fortune cookie said, "You will touch the hearts of many." Might sound a little familiar to a couple of us hmmm?

oh and every time i call Bro P. The line has been busy orrrr  no one has picked up GAHH frustrating. Perhaps they went somewhere for spring break.