Hello World. Ha ha little programing joke there. You see when you start programing a new language the first thing to learn to do is usually printing out text or anything. You introduce yourself to the programing world of that language. So this is me introducing myself to the blogging world of bloggers.
This is really hard for me, to express myself in words so free, leaving it out for the world to see. But i will do it. You will see. You of course, My Honey Bee.
he he that was a fun little rhyme. I forgot how much fun that stuff was. i have forgotten a great many things in my life. Luckily I tend to remember just as much. I just sometimes wish that the stuff i remember was the stuff i forgot and vice versa. this is because the stuff i remember is mostly negative things, or things that have to deal with the stuff I am working on. It haunts me at times. It wont let me close my eyes. Some days it leaves me alone and i can think of better things.
The past couple of weeks have been great. i did what i said and i never fell. Today is the hardest of all the past days. I almost fell this morning and I have been fighting the fall all day it has seemed. But i will fight it off. I will succeed.
Today is SO hard to be apart. That stuff that i did was to relieve stress. That is why today is hard. I don't know what i want to do with my life. not all the way. i don't know what career to have or even what major to go for. I don't know where i want to continue on to school. I want to do a great many things and learn all i can but i don't know where it all leads. I have been given a great life with an unbelievable destiny. I understand what Heavenly Father expects of me and a bit of what i am meant to do in a more spiritual sense. I want to know him more. I want to talk to him like a friend, or perhaps like a most trusted and loving parent. I want to know what it feels like to get an answer to my prayers. Whether it is a receiving of something i have asked for or an answer in my heart to a question i have. heck it could be just a gust of wind at just the right time. I just want to KNOW that He is there and listening and actually cares enough to do something about it. I mean i Believe that he is there and i Believe that i will get answered if i truly need and want the answer but i want to KNOW. I want to be able to stand up on fast Sunday and say i KNOW that Heavenly Father is there and listening and i KNOW that he cares enough to answer our prayers. Sometimes i feel so alone and when one is going through such a thing as this, alone is the last thing that he/she needs.
GAH!! I don't even know what i am typing i just hit the keyboard and started going. I really miss my honey bee so much! i just want to hug them and cry in their shoulder. Yeah i know i should use his/her but i don't care!!! I want to cry and be held by the one i love. I want to marry this person SO MUCH!! I want to be married so i can go home to them. i just want to lay down next to my honey bee tight in their arms and feel safe and not alone. Is there a word for that?
I want to tell my honey bee that i love her. (>50% percent of the population is female so i don't think that this little tid bit will compromise her safety) I want to tell her how much i need her right now. I think of her ALL THE TIME! i wonder how she is doing and if she is happy. I want to help here be happy always. I hope she is not sick. I know this isn't the most romantic way of saying things like this and i will work on that and be way sweet and romantic with more awesome posting of awesomeness but my head is swimming and my body all in a knot. Trying to hold in so much emotion is so hard! I want to tell my sweetheart about the ice-cream truck that came through work yesterday. how the other workers became instant children. I just feel so! ojk;asdfojasdokvoiwenfoajwefjawelfjfjsfsdafkljeoifajekljaidvajfaldkfjasadf. yeah kinda like that. but totally not.
I want to tell my darling all of this but i cannot because i said this morning that doing what K said is the best thing. I totally want to take that back. It was on facebook so perhaps i can delete it.... I want to cheat at this game that K has thrown us into. My mind is so full of words flying so fast i don't know how to get them down on the page. Good words that describe exactly how i feel. I just can't get them all the way to the front of my mind. i think i need to go run. i need to blow off some steam before someone gets hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone else. so many people have already been hurt by my acations. But many of them have forgiven me and i don't want that forgiveness to go to waste. blah blah blah i am just ranting. Here is a place where i can say anything and everything that comes to mind and today i am angry or dissapointed or sad or lonesly or stressed or tired or something but not incredibly feeling the love and the pease that i do in her arms. or in her smile or just the flip of her hair. the gate of her step. I am so clogged with emotion i cannot feel anything but perhaps a little sick. Its like being congested. Maybe i am just hungry i haven't eaten all day. that might cheer me up and i think that is what i will do.
Nice poetry.
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